See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
Abuse
It stated at to be a wonderful Romance. He was such a Gentleman and did everything for me. I felt like a Princess. This all went well for 3-4 Months. I thought I was dreaming.. I moved in with him after just 2 months. His Family loved me like i was part of the Family. Since I didn't haven Family in Germany I felt so comfortable and loved. I got so used to being part of the Family that I started believing it.
A few more months past...
The man I looked up to so badly. Started to change rapidly.
It started with a little nudge on my arm... and wasn't that big of a deal. He would apologize and send me flowers the next day. So i just thought he was upset because of work and had to let it out by me. I thought i was his Partner and was supposed to just let it go and be there for him.
Then he would start to drink...
more and more...
I think it was the stress that got him. But I'm not sure. I still look for excuses of his behavior.
I remember lying on the bed and waiting for him to come home from work. He was so upset... he started strangling me down to the bed. My neck was tightening... I couldn't breathe. It was truly the worst feeling ever. I was never so scared like at that moment before. I tried to stay calm and hope he lets loose... It was probably only like 3 Seconds... but it felt longer.
The next day he would apologize and give me so much love. I forgave him. I was scared of him.
I just kept making excuses up for him. I let the abuse happen.
He was my family and in my mind you had to help your family and be understanding.
Soon it got a bit better, but it just started to become more of a verbal abuse. He would yell so loud and i would be so scared. I remember not being able to move. I just let it happen.
I dient even want him to come home from work, because I was scared I would've forgotten to do something or did something wrong. I always tried to be perfect so I wouldn't get hit or yelled at. It was getting harder and harder for me to even breathe. I had no where to go. I had no Family. I had no Friends. I only had this Family.
I didnt see any way out of this Situation. Since this WAS my family.
I did not want to disrespect my Family.
The only Solution out of this abuse was to end everything...
This is the moment where I ended my life.
I took 1,2,3,4,5...,9,10...30 etc. Pain Killers. I noticed how my body became numb.
I started to not feel scared anymore.. It was a relief. It felt so good. Losing complete control over my body and just falling asleep. Everything became easier. It was my answer to everything.
I was in a very dark place...
A few hours later...
I woke up in a Hospital, not knowing where I was and very confused. I remember the moment exactly. They revived me. I was able to get most of the Pain killers I swallowed out of my body. My pulse... My heart... My body... completely just stopped for a few Seconds.
The story to what happened after I fell asleep... My Boyfriend came home from work and drove me to the Hospital as fast as possible. He just came in time to save my life. One Minute later and I would have not made it. Thats the funny thing about this story... the reason why I killed myself... ended up saving me ? :D I Thought this was a joke.. this could not be seriously happening.
I was thankful for him.. and that he excited. Because he saved me from a huge mistake. He gave me my life back. I was forever grateful... and knew I had to do everything to show my thanks.
He knew that too and took advantage of that.
A few months went good. I had to stay a few days in the Hospital and then everybody took so much care for me. Everybody loved me. I started to love everything as well. Everything was going so well. I thought wow this changed everything. BUT it wasn't like that. A few good months past ... until he started drinking again. Then it just got even worse than before. I had the courage though to finally end it and be standing there alone...with no home...no family and no friends. I risked it....
But he did not let me leave.
That is when the fighting got worse and worse. I would start yelling back and hitting back... I didn't want to take any hits anymore. Then his friends saw me getting hit from him.. and nobody did anything. It was the MOST surrealist moment ever. So helpless... FINALLY he pushed me down a stairwell. Where I thought.. why save me ?? and then try to keep hurting me or even killing me ?
This made no sense to me but I realized at that moment... this is NOT right.
I went to the police... i sat in the hospital for hours and hours... he broke a piece of my spinal.
That was the moment... I had enough. I wanted to breathe again. I was able to completely leave the relationship after that. Only because I had a deal with his Mother not to go to the Police and he would leave me alone forever.
By this story... I want every woman to speak up. I know it is not easy. And I would have never EVER thought I would had let a Man treat me this way. It happens so fast though... in a blink of an eye.
Finding excuses and thinking a person can change. Forget it. This person can not change and is frustrated with themselves. You can not change or help... get that thought out of your head. This is the moment to start thinking of yourself. Its scary I KNOW.... but people just don't change. And honestly... if you think about it. It can't get worse. So stop finding excuses and try to speak to family or friends about the issue. Because the Path that I took of killing myself should not be the solution.
Stay Strong, Be Strong and love yourself.
Leaving was the best decision I have ever made. I am so happy and grateful. I think back and just cry that I even stayed longer than a day. The problem is I know many women go through abusive relationships. Its hard to escape. But just remember and keep telling yourself... you deserve the BEST and are wonderful and beautiful. Everything is possible. Speak up and find help.
Don't be a Victim, be a survivor baby.
xoxo
Amyknowsbest
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